Winter Butterfly  Special     22/04/03 

Unsavoury Incident after end of Welsh Championship

Mumbles Lifeboat Sunk by Surface to Surface Pasty

Police Point finger at Cardiff and Swansea Chess Hooligans 

CIA claim WCU Developing Banned Weapons

The highly successful Welsh Chess Championship held in Swansea was marred by a serious incident that took place shortly after it finished.  While answering a distress call in Swansea Bay the Mumbles lifeboat was struck and sunk by a surface to surface pasty fired from a point on Swansea Beach where a number of chessplayers has previously been sighted. 

'Its a miracle that nobody was injured' said Detective Inspector Owen Bowen, of South Wales Police.  'The missile was of a particularly offensive nature, being made up of chemical and biological components.  It consisted of the crust of a pasty produced by a well known East Glamorgan company.  The normal filling had been removed and replaced by lava bread purchased from a stall in Swansea Market.  Properly fired the crust is capable of penetrating 3 inches of steel after which the lava bread bursts out and eats through anything it comes into contact with.  No arrests have been made at present, but we have confiscated a large catapult powered by BS2832 old fashion British Knicker Elastic.  Clearly, Swansea and Cardiff chess hooligans worked together to produce this weapon and it shows the folly of the WCU in holding the Welsh Championship in either of those cities.'

 Meanwhile, in Washington, the CIA claimed that this was just one of a number of banned weapons being developed by the WCU under the guidance of Mohammed Saeed al Sahhaf, who has now been retitled the WCU Director of Information.  Speaking from a safe house in Cwmparc, al Sahhaf denied the existence of the weapon but agreed to limit its range to 20km as laid down by FIDE directive 4076.  He pointed out that even if the weapon existed it did not violate international laws as these only mentioned biological or chemical weapons and not combined biological and chemical weapons.

 In an emergency meeting of the WCU Council it was agreed to move next years championship from Baghdad to Cardiff to prevent the danger of these weapons being used against forces of the occupying powers.  However, this is unlikely to satisfy South Wales Police who will now have to organise security at the event.

 More details as they come to hand.